


Merry Go Round

by unusuallyeddie



Category: Captain America - All Media Types
Genre: Death, Drug Abuse, I'm lowkey proud of it tho, M/M, Suicide, implied sex, its all good at least they have each other, its heavy folks, literally the most angsty thing i've ever written, oof, short but heavy, that is, these boys are a whole mess, until they dont
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-15 02:19:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15402792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unusuallyeddie/pseuds/unusuallyeddie
Summary: Merry, merry, merry go roundI don't want to see you downI don't want to see you frownMerry go round...





	Merry Go Round

Steve and Bucky had nothing but each other.

The 1940s were a dangerous time for two boys in love, especially if one of them was as small and weak as Steve. 

So they lived alone, separated from everyone, detached and clinging to each other for dear life. They found their own ways of coping with the world, Steve with drawing and Bucky with, well…

“Stevie, bring me a spoon, a slab, a cotton swab, and a match.” He called. Steve, confused, brought him all these things and watched as Bucky took out - oh no. Blue eyes widened as Bucky heated up the spoon and eyed him, already slightly delirious. “Baby doll, I have a plan. Come with me. Give me your hand, doll.” Steve hesitantly gave Bucky his hand, and Bucky flipped his arm so that pale blue veins stuck out in the cool air of their shitty little apartment. “Doll, baby doll, give me your belt.” Steve awkwardly fumbled, one-handed, with his belt and eventually passed it to Bucky, who fastened it around his arm, making the veins pop out more. 

Bucky grinned at him, manic and bright, apparently not noticing Steve’s discomfort before none-too-gently sticking a needle into Steve’s arm. “Baby doll, I love you.” He crooned gently, soothingly, as he stroked Steve’s arm. “How’s that fuckin’ taste, baby doll?”

The trepidation slowly left Steve’s face as the drugs took hold, and he involuntarily relaxed, giving himself over to Bucky and to pleasure.

~   


Steve’s head drooped on his shoulders, his face thinner than ever as he chugged whiskey straight from the bottle, watched by a man in the dark.

The man wasn’t Bucky. No, Bucky had been enlisted a few weeks prior. 

He was gone, and Steve lost it, having no one left to care for him. He started hanging out with all sorts of the wrong people, trading his body for pills and dust and anything he could take.

It was hell.

The man watching him stood, pulling Steve back into his chest, crooning sweet nothings with alcohol-soaked breath into his ear. Steve let him, knowing by tomorrow the man would be gone.

They always left, in the end.

~   


Eventually the man left and Steve found himself kneeling over a toilet, clinging to the bowl, puking his guts out for the third time that week. It was only Wednesday.

~   


There was nothing left in the once-furnished apartment. Steve had sold everything for a hit, desperation sinking into his bones. 

That was when he received the news Bucky had died in the war.

It felt as though the floor had fallen out from beneath him. As though his heart had finally failed him. As though all the joy in his life was officially gone, and not even the strongest self-medication could save him from the numbness settling into his mind.

But hell if he wouldn’t try anyway.

~   


Several more weeks went by. Steve had slept with every dealer he had ever heard of, scoring every hit he could ever dream of, but the numbness wouldn’t go away. The elation would never come. 

It wasn’t long before he was laying on the floor of his empty apartment, filthy and weak, feeling his body slowly giving up on him. It was getting harder to breathe, harder to move, so he gave up, laying there wishing he had done everything different. Wishing Bucky never left.

Of course, Steve was unaware of the letter laying just outside his doorstep.

~   


_ Stevie,  _

_ Hey baby doll. I’ll be home soon. I love you more than anything, baby doll, and I can’t wait to see you. _

_ Love, _

_ Buck _

~

Steve’s heart gave up on him.

~   


Days later, Bucky stood outside his old door, grinning widely to himself as he imagined the reunion of him and his small lover.    


Bucky had cleaned up his act when he went off to war; he went cold turkey and never looked back. It was hard, of course, but ultimately worth it in the end.

He would be able to see his baby doll through clear eyes for the first time in years. He fingered the picture of the two of them in his pocket, and knocked. He didn’t get an answer. He frowned, confused.

Taking a deep breath, the soldier opened his door, slightly stunned to find it unlocked. The place was a fucking disaster. Bucky walked inside, feeling the crush of capsules under his boots, smelling the heavy stench in the air, along with something he couldn’t quite identify that made his heart drop.

“Stevie?” He called out. “Baby doll?”   


There was no answer.

He went into the kitchen, only to stop dead in his tracks at the sight of his baby dolls body, crumpled on the floor. 

“Stevie…” He breathed, falling to his knees besides the corpse, taking a limp wrist in his hands and desperately feeling for a pulse.

There was none.

“Baby, baby doll, please, please…” He choked out, words borderline senseless. “Wake  _ up,  _ baby doll,  _ please _ .”   


But Steve never woke.

_ It’s my fault,  _ Bucky thought, knowing that it was the truth. He was the one who forged the path, he was the one who left Steve alone.

_ It’s my fault. _

With shaking hands, Bucky dropped Steve’s wrist, trying to ignore the dull thud as it hit the floor. He pulled his gun from it’s holster, taking one last look at the light of his life before pressing it against his temple.

_ Bang. _

Love is pain.

~   


_ Merry, merry, merry go round _

_ I don’t want to see you down _

_ I don’t want to see you frown _

_ Merry go round… _

_ Merry, merry, merry go round _

_ I don’t want to see you down _

_ I don’t want to see you frown _

_ Merry, merry, merry go round _

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry.  
> Written for @apieceofandrewforyou on Tumblr, based off of Machine Gun Kelly's "Merry Go Round". It's a great song, go listen to it if you enjoyed this.  
> Again, I'm so sorry.


End file.
